Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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