So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
wow bdsm is so cute
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
