Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
