either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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