Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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