Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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