swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
