ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
