Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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