when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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