I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
