Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
