Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
