im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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