I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
