Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
