1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
