If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
