If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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