you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
