So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
