Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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