god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
