I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
