No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
