barbara walters just said penis...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
