my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
