Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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