Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
