My friends, they love my intelligence
i will never coherently bang her
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
