she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
