Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just invented taco cereal.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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