My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
