you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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