He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
