dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
