the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
