I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think your dad took our porno
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
