When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
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Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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