I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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