I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
