Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
