Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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