Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
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I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
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At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low