You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
