Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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