Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize