Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
