i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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