grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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