i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
