I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
