Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
