This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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