hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
