Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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