Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
