Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
