We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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