we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
operation harelip BJ is a go
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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