saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is Oprah even human
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.