So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED