It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink